just. let. love. be.

I got wrapped up in a "conversation" with a misguided friend of a verysmart friend on Facebook this afternoon. Wrapped up meaning I stupidly kept my FB page open on my phone, docked by the radio as I drove home from errands and so pulled over TWICE to respond. I felt compelled to respond because it seemed the poster was so ill-informed that my well-informed input would reboot his brain and life could go on rationally. I was wrong.

My verysmart friend had posted a link to remarks made by Dr. Ben Carson about the supposed slippery slope of granting marriage rights to gay couples : the viewpoint that allowing same-sex marriage means potentially having to allow other 'lifestyles' the same. 'Lifestyles' such as pedophilia and bestiality. Okay. How ludicrous is this? Seemed an easy correction - homosexuality & marriage of consenting adults of age are legal; molestation & bestiality are not.

But things became wackier when I was directed to an article (by misguided) that assured me I was being a RACIST in disagreeing with Dr. Carson since he is black and I, as a white liberal, clearly could not accept his adverse opinion because of this situation. Huh?

I had to tap out before my head exploded and/or I drank myself into a place where the words that come out of my fingertips are ferociously mean, and while that can be satisfying for a minute, it is not particularly useful in ultimately persuading hearts & minds.

In the end, I just can't understand how some human beings get so defensive of their own ways that they lose basic compassion for other human beings. Especially other humans who JUST WANT TO BE WITH THE PEOPLE THEY LOVE. Gay couples are not (please correct me if I'm wrong) asking to destroy anyone else's relationship or demand we watch them have sex or make everyone appreciate Adele - they are simply seeking their Constitutional right to pursue happiness via legally recognized marriage that affords them the same benefits as heterosexual unions.

Right?

hot purse-suit

I have been obsessing for a month about getting a new purse. Part of it has to do with my inherent need to simply obsess about something and since Anthony Ervin has apparently blocked me from his Twitter account/consciousness, I need a new focus. But another part of it is that I've decided my upcoming return trip to NYC will require something far more chic than my garage sale/thrift store bags [which I took last year but nevermind coherent thought] in order for it to be THE VACATION OF A LIFETIME (please be sure you say that in a booming voice, with reverb).

In shopping days past, I would see drool-worthy purses I loved but passed them by because a) didn't feel a real need for one at the time and b) they cost more than my wedding dress, even considering 20 years of inflation. So armed with the irrational belief that heading to NYC gives me permission to now spend upwards of $500 for just the right life-changing handbag, I figured I'd spy it within an hour's jaunt through the mall, earn some Disney reward points on the smoking credit card, and drive home in a heady stupor.

Of course not. When do we EVER find just what we want when we want it upon entering the most wretched place on Earth after The Store That Shall Not Be Named? And after weeks of looking (sometimes in the same stores, on the same shelves, as if The One will magically make itself visible to my faithful heart), I am ready to go all Christian Bale crazy on the clerks. However, since my stellar work in counseling, I can let it go.

For now.

My trip is still four months away.

reentry

My counselor turned me loose a couple of weeks (16 days) ago. She said she was very impressed with how I had worked so deliberately & diligently to change the way I thought about things and talked to myself; I agreed and felt pretty proud but also had a tiny twinge of panic about giving up a regular appointment to check in. She reminded me of all the strategies I've practiced this past year that have helped me stay focused & balanced, and she asked me to plan some next steps - I thought I should get back to yoga & gym/readingonastationarybike time, and writing regularly on my blog. The yoga part has not yet rematerialized but let's get this party started again here, shall we?

It is Sensational Haiku Wednesday at my friend Jenn's You Know...that Blog? and the theme is SENSATIONAL, which is perfect because it's how I'm beginning to feel now that my brain isn't trying to suffocate me.

 

My gentler mind is

Making some sweet small talk with

My bruised subconscious 

 

 

Now you go, here or there.

 



good enough

Today's mindfulness :

Dozing at the steering wheel in the dark, empty parking lot this morning, after dropping off the girl at jazz band hours before I needed to be at school. The wind shook my car, the radio droned, I was at ease.

Our counselor starting a kettle of water for tea while I finished my eye makeup in the staff bathroom, another teacher helping me look for a missing teabag holder my sister gave me, our principal chatting to help me wake up when she certainly had dozens of other things to do; thankful again for a workplace full of people who think of each other, whom I would be glad to see anytime outside of the building.

Simple stuff like devouring delicious artery-clogging hash browns with eggs, sausage, and cheese, finishing a couple loads of laundry, and taking all the Christmas ornaments off the tree and safely stowing them before the Boy Scouts pick up Saturday morning. Now getting into bed early with some historical fiction while my girl examines her nail polish collection at my side.

sound & fury

Living this day of my life:

• Spent lunch time in my classroom with a former student preparing to leave for college this weekend. He tried hard to look all "I've got it handled" while his pacing said "I'm nervous," then when we were parting he blurted out, "It's terrifying." I told him I know. And that's what makes it the best move he's ever made. [He has my cell number; we'll keep in touch.]
• Spent an hour after school visiting with a couple of 2010 graduates who kept marveling at how much easier life was in high school. I did not say "duh." I was only a little bit smug. I assured them we know they couldn't help but be self-absorbed know-it-alls; they are forgiven and all is forgotten. [Sort of.]
• Spent 2 1/2 hours in the corner of a cramped conference room listening to a first read-through of Macbeth the Scottish play by some pretty extraordinary local thespians. There were some laughs amidst the professional approach, the Lady Macbeth chilled even in this very raw rehearsal, then the previously unassuming Macduff brought a haunted reverence to the table with his anguish upon hearing of the murder of his family [oh, SPOILER ALERT for those not in the know but really, get thee to a production]. Afterward, one of the actors read a piece he had written reflecting on the value & need for theater in such sad & despairing times as we've experienced lately in our nation; it was beautiful in its intimacy and conviction, and I told him so.

I sometimes feel, as most of us do, that what I'm 'doing' in my life is of little consequence - when people are starving & hurting & killing, when cities are destroyed, when governments are indifferent, when so many things seem far more significant than a group of teenagers struggling through a poem or a play - but the simple truth is, everything matters in its own way. Everything has the power to affect change, if only in perspective. And for something to matter it needs to be noticed.

So I notice.

living out loud

Witty, pithy, significant & amazing blog posts regularly swim around one part of my brain but the lazy/OCD/preoccupiedwith2ndhusbands part refuses to sit down and actually type them out. I've tried gimmicks like assigning topics to days or following prompts yet that lazy brain is wily and finds new things to distract my attention. I'm tired of fighting me, so I've decided that I will spend some minutes each day simply reflecting on how I've lived in the previous 24 hours. The hope is that a marginally interesting thread will emerge to keep people from falling asleep somewhat engaged.

I'm basing this approach on the Jonathan Swift quote "May you live all the days of your life." It follows me around on a bookmark and, honestly, informs my sensibility. Our days are full of mundane little actions that could feel like "not really living;" I think it's easy to dismiss all the routine parts as meaningless filler leading up to the exciting things like holidays and parties and trips to Disneyland and visits from hot Olympic swimmers. But as I've mentioned before, I am uneasy letting moments pass by without being mindful; it feels foolish & grossly ungrateful. And, allowing myself to think of a day as 'wasted' sends me into a headache-inducing downward spiral toward depression, which is unpleasant for everyone. So I'm seeking out the life in my life, every day. You are welcome to follow along, and strongly encouraged to share your own living.

Today : Dozed till 10am in my favorite yoga pants & hand-painted t-shirt under a heavy blanket with late morning sun streaming on me and my warm-bodied 1st husband. Then, finished addressing what we're now calling "holiday letters" for friends & family while eating buttery toast and listening to Sherman Alexie on the radio. Had a brief but thoughtful chat with my 14-year old about perspective & media sensationalism. So far, 2013, so good.

You're welcome.

truths

Because there are no other good words right now...I want us to do as many loving, kind things as we can think of in the next few days. Then do some more, for a few more days. Then start over. Again, and again. Please.

**********

The World is Too Much With Us by William Wordsworth, c. 1802 

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathèd horn.

heroism

Every year, our Advocacy classes spend four days before winter break putting together creative & thoughtful & school-appropriate recycled art masterpieces on a particular theme to display for community members and district office workers to admire. This activity serves to keep our students' minds off the excitement (or unfortunate dread) of the impending holidays, give us all a sense of frantic camaraderie, and remind people outside our building, and some inside, how brilliant kids can be.

This year we decided on the theme of Famous Renegades, making sure whomever we chose represented our school motto: Be Kind, Be Proud, Be Fearless. Each class came up with a different idea - ours was Robin Hood, other classes went with classic historical figures (Sir Isaac Newton, Gandhi) and modern leaders (Steve Jobs, Mandela), one group crafted a bust of a vibrant classmate while another made a mobile characterizing our principal, who has led our school since developing it a decade ago. As always, we marveled at the clever divergences that serve to highlight our collective ingeniousness.

By lunchtime we had all heard the horrifying news of the elementary school shooting. There are no words to make sense of such actions; we quietly, gently went on.

At the end of the day, our principal forwarded this message from the deputy superintendant:

Mrs. Holmes,

I learned about the shooting this morning in Connecticut and was really struggling to make sense of this world. When I walked from my office to Hayes, I couldn't stop thinking about the heartache in that community. As I started to look at the art created in Hayes my spirit was rejuvenated by the community demonstrated in each of the advisory presentations. Each one was unique and captured the idea of heroism perfectly. I loved that they recognized heroes on a global level and also heroes within the walls of Hayes. Thanks to you and your staff for creating a community of hope and learning at Hayes.
Sincerely,
Jeff


If only we could spread this across the country.

let me write a thank you on my palm

Welcome Morning


There is joy

in all:

in the hair I brush each morning,

in the Cannon towel, newly washed,

that I rub my body with each morning,

in the chapel of eggs I cook

each morning,

in the outcry from the kettle

that heats my coffee

each morning,

in the spoon and the chair

that cry "hello there, Anne"

each morning,

in the godhead of the table

that I set my silver, plate, cup upon

each morning.



All this is God,

right here in my pea-green house

each morning

and I mean,

though often forget,

to give thanks,

to faint down by the kitchen table

in a prayer of rejoicing

as the holy birds at the kitchen window

peck into their marriage of seeds.



So while I think of it,

let me paint a thank-you on my palm

for this God, this laughter of the morning,

lest it go unspoken.



The Joy that isn't shared, I've heard,

dies young.

                                       ~ Anne Sexton

I am so thankful for my place at my school, with these kids. Let me paint a thank-you on my palm...

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