permission

I will not be teaching this year; I prefer to call it a 'sabbatical', evoking a noble adventure, instead of a 'leave of absence', which sounds like illness, defeat, or sad emptiness. It has taken a significant amount of mental energy for me to first decide this is a good idea, then to talk about it aloud, then to discuss logistically with the people affected, and finally to make a formal written request. I enjoy imagining I'm the rebellious type who lives by a sassy "Better to ask forgiveness than permission" philosophy, but in reality I tend to be a rule-following pedant. However, as I have approached the half-century mark of my life, I'm ready to take a break from some tendencies.

Many people (women - let's be honest about who tries to please everyone else all of the time) talk about giving themselves permission to say "No" more often - no more taking on unsatisfying jobs, no more spending time on unnecessary tasks, no more saying or doing or pretending to be something they aren't or don't want to be. These are very important considerations, but as a woman + parent, I long ago allowed myself to say [FUCK] "No" to any activity or behavior that did not directly impact my children's well-being and/or might result in an arrest, but what I haven't done as much is say "Yes" to the things that make me feel good. Vibrant. Successful, purposeful, necessary, alive. See also "Potential Midlife Crisis But Shut Up Because Your Judgement Isn't Helpful." I might still have some issues to work out.

My main motivation for the sabbatical was to be present for my daughter's Senior year of high school (much to her now-horror; I'm hoping she'll be grateful later. Stop laughing). I realized when my son was graduating that I'd either missed or scrambled to be involved in many little events & opportunities throughout the year, and I determined to not let that happen with my last child. I know who I become when I'm trying to Do All the Things for family + school + self and she is unpleasant, and since I'm now on the verge of turning 50, I feel the need to get better at this Living Life Fully gig. There are so many small, beguiling things I realized I've wanted to do with my time for decades and am determined to use this one year differently. I will turn my unstructured blank-canvas days into masterpieces - some will be be fuzzy Monets, some crisp Vermeers, some wildly spectacular Jackson Pollocks & Hieronymus Boschs, others bewildering but fascinating Dalís. 

This year's Yes goals, in no particular order:

• Volunteer for causes I love - Band Boosters, 2018 Senior Parents, Portland Film Festival, OPB pledge drives (I CANNOT WAIT TO ANSWER PHONES), finding solutions to homelessness

• Read more - I have a ludicrous number of books hanging out waiting on my nightstand, dresser, table next to my livingroom recliner; follow me on GoodReads and send encouragement, maybe let's create a book group?

• Weeknight events - more concerts, collage nights, poetry readings, book signings

• Audio book recording - I've already looked into the [very intimidating] paid world and blanched at the requirements, but have found some ways of reading aloud for fun/free

• Reader's Theater - a local director encouraged me to try this low-key version of acting; terrified but excited

• Travel - Keeping eyes open for opportunities to visit new places without spending a lot of money I won't have

• Baking - whatever, whenever; it calms me and I'll want that often, I suspect

• Writing - I've already begun to attend to my blog more often, trying to harness thoughts into a theme people might be interested in, but I'd like to investigate screenwriting, more poetry, or short story crafting

__________________________________________

Permission is a dastardly thing. It wants you to think it is necessary, that it is the only way you will be able to accomplish what you wish. But you are in charge of your life - some parts feel unchangeable but don't let them guilt or worry you into believing you aren't in control - sometimes it's only a matter of changing the question from Can I? to How can I? 

And it might take 50 years, which is okay.

a few truths and a lie

I am not a resolution-maker. If I ever feel like changing something, I do it regardless of whether it's January 1st or the first day of school or my birthday or a Sunday night. I understand the desire to make a big production of starting New Habits and I did participate in the theatrics for most of my life, usually by buying a pretty new journal and writing lists of changes with a pretty new pen on the fresh pretty blank pages. After two weeks (maybe), that journal would be prettily collecting dust and anxiety on my nightstand; after a month I would stash it shamefully in a drawer and go on with my presumably failed life.

I finally realized, after years of suffering the little daily defeats of marriage and parenthood and teaching, that pressuring myself to Be Better on a particular date doesn't work for me. It's manufactured and bolstered by hype, and I avoid hype on principle - I wouldn't watch the first season of Survivor (but have watched all twentysomething seasons since), and though I love & live the idea of Carpe Diem, I refused it as a tattoo after finding 7000 versions of it during a Google search. Also, I'm pretty terrible with deadlines. Of course, I could resolve to be better with deadlines but that just makes my head hurt. I can do deadlines that are meaningful to other people - contributing to an IEP before a meeting, submitting grades, attending a party on the day it's happening - but trying to tell myself something needs to get done by a certain time? I am a totally insensitive jerk.

I've decided, partly because of those little daily defeats in life, piling on specific tasks so clearly unpleasant that I've ignored them most of the year is cruel, even for an insensitive jerk. After some reflection, anxiousness, depression, and counseling, I decided I'd check in with myself a few times each day to find out what I needed to feel, well, better. Better = calmer, content, connected, productive. Sometimes I need to do a specific thing (usually for other people/effing deadlines), sometimes I eat a little chocolate stashed in my desk, sometimes I play John Mayer loud, sometimes I take a nap, sometimes I startle my children by hugging them in the hallway.

I no longer make random resolutions at the end of a year. Instead, I make about 95 mini-resolutions every day, with immediate deadlines, and - I'm happier.

Carpe every damn diem.

everything makes me cry

Neglecting my blog
Trying to keep up with my blog
Going to the gym
Not going to the gym
A perfect martini
A terrible martini
Believing I am entering menopause 
Being told I am not
People losing their homes
Other people helping those who lose their homes
Going back to school in 8 short weeks
The idea of not having a classroom to go back to
Students who tell me I've helped them
Students too damaged to accept help
Students who are apparently just a**holes
Las Vegas
Anyone singing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah
Watching my kids grow up
The possibility of not watching my kids grow up
Remembering
Forgetting
Walking through the gates of Disneyland
Really good chocolate
Nora Ephron's writing 
Me not coming remotely close to Nora Ephron's writing
Nora Ephron not writing anymore
Thankfulness

My girl Mrs. G (I'VE MET HER!) at Derfwad Manor has this fun thing for me to do and I really want to do it. You want to read it, I bet.

1) Who are an actor and actress you like so much you will watch anything they are in, even if it's crappy?  Ryan Gosling and Kate Winslet, though I don't think they've been in anything crappy yet...But I'll watch when it happens.

2) Mary Tyler Moore or Rhoda?  I'd really like to say Rhoda because she was EXTREMELY hip, but I'm totally MTM.

4) What is your favorite Beatles' song?  If I Fell makes me swoon to pieces.

5) When you want to laugh, who or what do you turn to?  Sometimes my husband, but mostly Jon Stewart on The Daily Show.

6) What is something you have a hard time doing?  Saying no.

7) What was the most pleasant thing that happened to you yesterday? Spontaneous private time with my man & John Mayer.

Extra Credit: What's a new blog you've discovered that you are enjoying? Sadly, I discover little during the school year because I am hysterical overwhelmed pretty busy. But I am so pleased to be rediscovering Mrs. G's fabulousness.

to don't list

1. Clean on, around, and behind washer & dryer [check]
2. Spend 25 minutes looking through books at Goodwill [check]
3. Spend 10 minutes looking through purses at Goodwill [check]
4. Consider response to joker on PTA Legislative ListServ who cruelly minimized the work of librarians in an e-mail rife with ignorant misspellings [check]
5. Rearrange Flair on Facebook virtual bulletin board [check]
6. Consolidate birthday presents so daughter can write thank you notes [check]
7. Console daughter who is distraught over not remembering who gave her what because the presents are not with their original bags [check]
8. Threaten to box & exile all new birthday items if daughter continues whining [sheepish check]
9. Drink entire bottle of McMenamin's Fireside wine [pending]

me, by the numbers

Janet at Fond of Snape shared this clever little way of playing Thursday Thirteen; I like sharing.

Here are ways I correspond to these numbers:

1. Husbands I have [LOVE YOU, STU!]
2. Children I have - matches the number of C-sections I've had, too. Weird.
3. Different Barnes & Noble stores I worked in
4. Pairs of glasses I have
5. Years it took for me to earn my BA & teaching certificate
6. 1/4 the total pairs of shoes in my closet
7. Towns I've lived in: Oak Harbor, Pullman, Spokane, Richland, Beaverton, Hillsboro, Vancouver
8. Favorite number (watch this for quick bliss)
9. Years between me & my little sister
10. Years we've been attending our church
11. Watches I own
12. Number of staff members at our school
13. My personal best time [in seconds] for running to my grandparents' house when I was a kid - they lived across a long driveway from us and I sometimes had to deliver things at night, before we installed a decent lightpost

Play if you'd like, or just enjoy the other Thursday 13ers

magic 8

The Girl Next Door (not to be confused with my literal best girlfriend next door, though this blogger would definitely be a kick in the neighborhood) tagged me for an 8 Things meme, which is timely because I suspect my brain is on hiatus from anything but teaching and possibly parenting until the end of June.

8 Things I'm looking forward to:

1. Anniversary getaway in May
2. Hosting FOUND Magazine dudes at our school (TRUE STORY! I'm going to be a giddy idiot...)
3. Reading names again at graduation
4. Taking baths with orange ginger bubble bath
5. Reading new Philippa Gregory book
6. Possibly meeting [and partying endlessly with] the delightful Debbie this summer
7. Teaching poetry again
8. Teaching Washington State History (though I might be looking forward to it ending in 40 days...)

8 Things I did Yesterday:

1. Foolishly got a sunburn
2. Disastrously applied self-tanning spray
3. Lost my faith in much of humanity Went to the mall
4. Found cargo shorts for my man, rain jacket for my boy (on clearance!), cute shirts for me (clearance + coupons!), book for Paige's birthday (bargain section!)
5. Listened to Fountains of Wayne CD twice while driving
6. Had Burgerville dinner in my car while reading
7. Watched 3 episodes of Six Feet Under
8. Finally gave my man a real, long-deserved back rub

8 Things I wish I could do:

1. Live in Europe
2. Live in Singapore
3. Provide a decent lunch for my students everyday
4. Keep my house tidy longer than 8 hours
5. Put together delicious meals with little effort
6. Sew
7. Enjoy frolicking in or near water
8. Speak Spanish & French more fluently and with confidence

8 Shows I Watch:

1. Six Feet Under
2. LOST
3. Survivor
4. The Soup
5. SpongeBob SquarePants
6. Dexter
7. Mad Men
That's all I can think of - I try to avoid watching too much [not that I do a whole lot of productive stuff instead]

I simply cannot exert the brain power required to tag anyone; I know that makes me a crappy memer but there it is. Please remark in comments if you are inclined to take on the 8 Things meme and we'll call it good.

other ways i am (or, life after monday)

I Am

I am witty & smart

I wonder why people don't read more

I hear the wind crying

I see the sun smile

I want more vacations

I am witty & smart

I pretend I'm famous

I feel magic is real

I touch the future

I worry some people will never live their lives

I cry about injustice & cruelty in the world

I am witty & smart

I understand life is hard (but worth the trouble)

I say you can accomplish much

I dream of traveling everywhere

I try to be compassionate & comforting

I hope we get kinder

I am witty & smart

Create your own!

13 basic truths

According to me:

1. Guys on motorcycles are anonymously, infinitely sexy in their helmets & gear
2. Hearing my kids belly laugh can make my day
3. Watching a parent absently, tenderly put a hand on a teen child's shoulder moves me
4. Bacon makes everything better
5. Buying stuff at Goodwill stimulates the economy
6. The new sticker arrangement on my laptop has improved my overall mood
7. Saying things in Spanish, with strong accent, is immensely satisfying
8. "Hence" and "thus" are pretty excellent words
9. Browsing bookstores is close to sex on my Bliss List
10. Some people will never open their eyes to the world
11. Warm, quiet baths cure many ills
12. Freshly sharpened pencils are like brand new days
13. Remembering someone's name can be a gift, to both of you

Thursday Thirteen ~ truly enjoyable

across the youniverse

Because I needed yet another addictive list-making, photo-collaging, personality-assessing obsession...Thanks to the delovely Angel, I have embarked on discovering my Youniverse; I give you Part 1:

giving (up)

I'm brushing myself off after the recent fall from grace daily posting and joining back up with NaBloPoMo [which I do not know how to say aloud without sounding like I've lost my mind]. March's theme is "Giving (Up)" which is conveniently vague; here is my first attempt to make sense of it.

How I'm Giving:

• Kisses & hugs to my babes
• Back scratches to my man (that is not supposed to sound dirty, I'm just trying to be honest - I am not a good giver of back rubs)
• Monthly donations to Make-A-Wish, Share, our local animal shelter, the library, and OPB
• Time, energy, and WintOgreen mints to students
• Outgrown clothes & books to kids' friends

What I'm Giving Up:

• Finishing books that fail to move me
• Popcorn at the movies [the big bucket, I mean] [but not at the Living Room Theater]
• Shoes that hurt my feet
• Socks with holes in the toes
• Eating in the car
• Late nights (starting tomorrow)

Tell me what you give, and give up.

surely you care

Or maybe you don't; either way I'll stop calling you Shirley. [bahDUMbum]

I am having a difficult week what with odder-than-usual teenagers in my classes, restless sleeping and subsequent wretchedly tired mornings, and foreboding body aches that spell impending illness. So I fall yet again to rerunning a little-loved post at my neglected A-Lister blog.

All of the answers are still the same, which either means I'm remarkably consistent or terribly boring. Please don't tell me if it's the latter.

mom of bad mom

She's been a young mother, a single mother, a drag racing & dating mother, a working mother, a mother of two, a mother-in-law, a grandmother.

Even though there are miles of things I would (do) do differently from my mother, I love her anyway. Maybe I love her more because of all those things.

My mom taught me

family is important, even if they can be embarrassing.

My mom taught me

we help people whenever & however we are able.

My mom taught me

quality is key in work & play ~

we mowed lawns like John Deere and colored like Van Gogh.

My mom taught me

it's best to let go sometimes.

My mom taught me

garage sales & thrift stores are usually more marvelous than the mall.

My mom taught me

napping is allowed.

My mom taught me

fast cars are worth having. And driving. Fast.

My mom taught me

if something is valuable to my child,

it should be valuable to me.

Happy birthday to a very Good Mom.

nothing like a cleansing sob to lighten the heart

Gearing up for a lover's weekend? Or just in need of a tear duct purge? Check out my favorite sappy songs at A-Lister [another blast from the recent past; last Valentine's Day to be precise].

And don't miss Janet's amazing heart pics at Fond of Snape. They'll bring you back from the brink that my musical choices will pull you toward...

wife duty

I was terribly remiss tonight and stayed at a friend's house gabbing for 2 hours longer than I said I would, thus leaving my kind & generous husband home alone. So alone that he actually went to bed and I am keeping him awake right this very second as I satisfy my OCD need to post before midnight.

Please read this previously nearly-neglected gem of a meme while I give my job hunting man a much-deserved back rub.

filling in

1. Oh, I am so ravenous for another weekend!

2. I am nervous yet wondering about changes, big and little.

3. During vacations, I pretend the rest of the world is nonexistent.

4. Cardinals vs. Steelers; are you kidding me???

5. Right now I'd like to be exploring faraway places.

6. My laptop is my favorite gadget.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to movie with girlfriends, tomorrow my plans include desperately needed hair coloring and Sunday, I want to revel in the Sundayness!

more Friday Fill-In joy

lucky 13

I have been foolish, ignoring my instincts about my husband's employer (rhymes with "Pewlett-Hackard"). During the past year, their ignorant hack in charge most heinous capitalist pig so-called leader has been grossly dishonoring the memory of the company's founders by focusing solely on making as many pennies as they can instead of continuing to promote creativity & innovation in technology. Focusing solely on those pennies (to the tune of a $24 million bonus last year) has led He Who Shall Not Be Named to shut down most of the facility in our town, which means ending my husband's 13 year engineering job.

I do not mean to imply I begrudge corporate leaders their salaries, or bonuses or jets or any other perks they earn by running a lucrative business. What I find dismaying is those who are given such salaries et cetera at the expense of their workers' & companies' integrity. Which is why I refuse to shop at a certain soul-sucking store, but I digress.

I know many people have faced and will face far more dire consequences than we will; I pray more for Stu's coworkers and all the other families across our country losing jobs than I do for our family at this point.

Essentially, what I mean to say is - I should have been reigning in my spending and living more frugally & thoughtfully long before now, but here we are and here are my best ideas for us so far:

1. Date night = Wine at the neighbors' (their wine, of course)
2. Compensate teenage babysitters by editing & typing their research papers
3. Continue skipping breakfast & lunch
4. Alternative date night = Reading Willamette Week personal ads to each other
5. Download all CDs to iTunes then sell discs to Music Millenium for cash
6. Use CD cash for special date night at Chipotle
7. Give the gift of my love & friendship for everyone's birthday [I'll throw in a handmade card]
8. Fine students $1 for every "F*ck," "F*ckin'," or "F*cker" uttered in my general atmosphere
9. Memorize free admission days to art museum, history museum, science museum, and zoo (and arrive at dawn to get in line)
10. Total potluck/BYOB for this year's Oscar party; my love & friendship [plus handmade card] for swag
11. Moratorium on children growing to next clothing/shoe sizes
12. Raise our own cow for brie production
13. Rally for Double Coupon Day at Whole Foods

Live, from my blog (and many others), it's Thursday Thirteen

one order of hope & change, please

Welcome.

Personal hopes:

1. I can somehow positively affect at least one individual each day.
2. I can figure out how best to help my son manage his thoughts & emotions.
3. I can instill early in my daughter a sense of confidence that I didn't gain until college.
4. I can regularly plan an entire month's meals for my family & lessons for my classes.

Global changes:

1. We can approach one another with an open mind & a firm handshake.
2. We can spend our time, energy, & money more wisely.
3. We can be kinder to our planet.
4. We can smile more.
   

What's on your menu this term?

photo courtesy of Vanity Fair

lovely letter L

The likable Kari at Alas 3 Lads recently became one of my loyals and was playing a letter game that seemed like a lark. She assigned me the letter "L" and now I have to tell 10 things I like about it. Look & learn [sick of L words yet?]:

1. Its angular shape is strong & practical. (Now I will mention stuff that starts with the letter).
2. Life
3. Lists
4. London
5. Ludacris
6. Lazy Sundays
7. Lounging in pajamas
8. Lemons in ice water
9. Listening to Fountains of Wayne [this is the concert I just saw!]
10. L-O-V-E

good stuff

My friend Shana is finding grace in every day and I want to play, too. Especially after this week, which while not exactly bad felt uninspiring and nearly useless. And I hate that because what if I really did only have 37 days left in my life and I just spent numbers 33-36 being all grouchy & negative? Foolish. So here are some things that I am immensely grateful for, in no particular order:

• A pleasant drive to a pleasant workshop with our school's beyond-pleasant counselor
• Fantastic ham sandwich & Pepsi at a quaint deli in Longview
• Helping a student who was near tears work through his short story writer's block
• The spontaneous, vigorous hug from that student after he busted through the block
• Successfully getting up early three days this week
• Apple almond tart in the teachers' lounge
• Finishing Season 1 of Dexter [Shana! Let's get together so I can give you cookies in exchange for Season 2!]
• Seeing a preliminary floor plan for our new building
• Grocery shopping (even without hottie checkers...sigh)
• Italian chocolate bars from Stu's sister
• Pizza with best friends

How were you blessed this week? Let it out.