reality bites, and cries, and swears...

The lovely ExMi (short for Expensive Mistakes & Cheap Thrills) tagged me a million years ago to participate in the Real Mom Meme. The idea is to have lots of mom-bloggers add a link to a post in which they discussed a particular trait of Real Motherhood. I like it, and I'm finally getting around to doing it (so I am #8 if you're in the same kind of Thursday funk that I am and need really clear direction...)
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1. Real Moms don’t flinch when they talk about boobs. They do make you laugh your brains out.
2. Real moms go on vacation and learn to play traffic cop.
3. Real moms brag about their kids.
3. Real moms do not mince words when they present the truth.
4. Real moms juggle.
5. Real moms “resist the guilt and embrace the journey.”
6. Real moms don’t give a damn to media generated Mommy Wars.
7. Real moms have kids with potty mouths.
8. Real [bad?] moms creatively modify discipline techniques.
Tagged people insert your good stuff here.

And I tag these smart real moms:

Lisa, Mama Milton

Shana, So Not Zen

Suzanne, The World According to Suz

Kate, katydidnot

Texan Mama, Who Put Me In Charge of These People???

JCK, Motherscribe

Jenn, Juggling Life

plus any of the other brilliant women I know are out there reading...Join in the fun, spread the Real Mom words.

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The rules:
Copy the above text to your blog, leaving all links in tact, and add in who tagged you.
Add your ‘real mom’ contribution to the list.
Tag as many moms as you can.
And meme-ify! [I think that's like 'multiply' in cyberlanguage]

putting the sin in the city

First, pay $25 for the buffet at Bellagio, a much lovelier and inviting hotel than yours (we begin with the sin of Envy). You are lulled in by the canopy of blown glass pieces, beautiful parasols, flowers & butterflies (and giant snails?); thus we have Lust.




Once you have eaten yourself stupid (Gluttony), go back for a few 'carry-out' items. Because you will be hungry later and in Vegas - as in economics - there is no such thing as a free lunch (or breakfast, or dinner), and because you just forked out $25 for a mere series of tasty snacks, grab some fruit, cookies, and portable pastries (Greed). You may have a reluctant party who believes that stealing is wrong and you all are wicked criminals (Pride). Pat him gently on the shoulder then surreptitiously slip the pilfered food into a concealed backpack.




Later, back in your room, you will moan with intestinal agony while slouching in front of truTV (Sloth). Someone will helpfully remind you that you chose to eat just one more bite of chicken artichoke pasta plus the cheesecake, then an espresso chip cookie. And along comes Wrath.

i'm pregnant...*

• Stu = Surprised & suspicious, considering he's neutered
• Embarrassingly young hottie crush at grocery store = Totally grossed out (old people have sex??), if he notices at all
• Me = Alternately pulling out my hormonally manic hair and furiously shopping for supercute maternity clothes & darling diaper bags. Not looking with hostility & loathing at my burdensome children, like the bitter soccer mom in the Essure commercial.

*with anticipation; it's supposed to be sunny & warm finally!
HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY

master of disguise

Who knew changing earrings would render me unrecognizable to my own children? Yet that is what Paige said when I picked her up from Mad Science this afternoon - "I LOVE YOUR EARRINGS! I ALMOST DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS YOU!" This, transcribed here in the exact all-caps tone she used, caused her instructor to glance at me strangely; I'm not sure if she was curious about just what was hanging from my lobes or if she thought I might really be a kidnapper in a clever mom-costume.

I don't know what came over me this morning, but I decided to give the diamond studs a rest. Basically, they've been the only things in my ears nearly every day since my 7-year old was born. They are timeless, classy, and go with everything, I tell my lazy self. But today my fall red sweater begged for something different, and there were the simple wires with cranberry beads, waiting to be called up. I was hyper-aware of them all day; I kept thinking they were falling out (one actually did plop onto my keyboard early on). Luckily none of my students were confused by my appearance. Frankly, I'm surprised when they notice I'm wearing clothing at all. I have two students who used to compliment me daily on my outfits, which felt good but at the same time made me tell them I dreaded the day they said nothing. Ha ha! Ha. Well. That day came a few weeks ago; I'm pretty sure they just got bored with the game. I'm trying not to care.

Tomorrow, I might go for the vintage black gem drops. You might not know it's me though. I'll be like a ninja. Beware.

shhhh, secrets

Suz tagged me for this series of questions and I can't resist. Not because I'm a total nerd, shut up. Clearly she thinks I have a fantastically naughty side (c'mon, I'm BAD MOM), with lots of sizzling secrets I'm dying to share. So here goes - you sensitive readers may have to shield your eyes occasionally...

This Summer Have You...

1. Had a boyfriend or girlfriend? Imaginary boyfriends, of course (they pay no attention to my moods), and girlfriends? YES, on trampolines, having pillow fights, in our underwear. Every day.

2. Told someone I love you? Oh yes

3. Cried? Oh yes

4. Wanted someone you couldn’t have? Well, not really.

5. Been to the beach? A Hawaiian one actually; I'd like to say I rolled around on the one seen in "From Here to Eternity." But I did not.

6. Talked on the phone all night? You obviously aren't aware of my hate/hate relationship with the telephone. No.

8. Stayed up all night? Not since the PTA auction. Wooooooo! I'm a hellraiser.

9. Went shopping? I don't like your accusatory tone.

10. Went swimming? (This is the sound of me laughing so hard I can't breathe)

11. Been out of state? Yes, Hawaii (and I cross the river into Oregon everyday...Kind of anticlimatic that trip is though)

12. Been asked out? I like to think my husband is "asking me out" when we have dates; seems more exciting that way.

13. Asked someone out? That's what I'm doing when I say "Please call your dad to see if he can watch the kids TONIGHT."

14. Gotten into a car with a stranger? Strange people, yes, but not technically strangers

15. Lost someone close? Thankfully no. Would that be a secret??

16. Slept in someone else’s bed? Why as a matter of fact, YES. My parents' guest bed, a futon in the campsite yurt, and the hotel at Waikiki

17. Had someone sleep in your bed? The frickin' cat hides in there sometimes...

18. Been drunk? Of course not. That's ridiculous. (Look at my straight face! I should win an Oscar)

19. Been to a club? Not yet, she says mysteriously...

20. Been grounded? Wait a minute - are these questions for teenagers?

21. Ran? Let's see, been chased this summer by an axe murderer? No.

22. Regret something? Regret bores me.

23. Been dumped? Not that he hasn't likely pondered it a couple of times...but no.

24. Lied? Certainly not. Did that count?

25. Done anything against the law? (Shield your eyes, sensitive readers!) I have jaywalked, driven over the speed limit, and...oh wait, that's only against the law in certain states.

26. Been camping? Yes, ask the squirrel about it.

27. Been in a fight? I like Suz's term - "heated discussions." There was no blood. A few tears. Sweat afterward.

28. Stayed at a hotel? Yup

29. Flirted with someone? Not that I know of...

30. Skinny dipped? That's kind of like swimming, right? See #10.

31. Gone to a concert? Harry Connick, Jr. at the beginning of June; Fountains of Wayne next month! Eeeeeeeeeeee! They will groan at the sight of me.

32. Gotten in a car crash? Not for lack of trying (JOKE!)

34. Almost died? Figuratively, all the time. Literally, um no. (Again, doubt that would be a secret)

35. Met a celebrity? Alas, Vancouver is not a hot bed of celebrity. Although I imagine I see them all the time, because I am a little delusional. I will post about that soon.
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Tag Mama Milton and anyone else who reads this & has a blog. I'm nice like that (and without many blogger friends...*sob*). If you are indeed taking this on from here, please post your link in my comments! That'd be swell.