mental health, deconstructed

Today I decided I wanted to start yoga again. This is what that decision-making looked like in stages.

I awoke with 1st husband at 5:30 a.m. He told me to not let him back into bed because he had a lot of meetings today; I considered getting up with him to get some tea, write, and do some yoga but instead turned to diagonally occupy all bedspace and fell asleep again.

Husband woke me with a kiss when he left for work at 7:00. Imagined getting up to have tea, write in the quiet, do some yoga, then went back to sleep.

Awoke at 8:45 to text from 1st husband saying our new bathroom tile would be here tomorrow rather than the projected end of the month. Texted back "Wow, great!" and thought about going downstairs to do yoga. Ate some chocolate from my nightstand and perused Facebook instead. For two hours.

Got out of bed because back was aching, decided doing yoga would really help, went downstairs and poured a tall cup of ice water [after considering the merits and downsides of various other glasses and bottles in the cupboard]. Emptied CD player of other CDs to put in meditative CD of instrumental classic rock songs, wondered why we still own, alphabetize, and use 600 CDs instead of our 7000 hours of digital music. Cleared coffee table of last night's tea cup, wine glass, chip clip, empty Cheetos bag. Decided to vacuum coffee table drawer along with the impossibly plain always-littered brown rug where I then put my Wii balance board and yoga mat, instantly creating the need to vacuum again. Turned on Wii, discovered balance board batteries dead. Ate more chocolate, recycled old batteries, found new. Resisted urge to change from pajamas into yoga pants and sport bra, closed blinds, sat down to document this morning on the blog I've neglected for seven months.

Message : For any boys (or girls) from my junior high/high school days who lamented not getting any dates with me, thank your lucky fucking stars. Because sometimes this whole thing happens out loud.

Now, I'm going to do some yoga.

23/365 "resolve"

Most people who know me for more than ten minutes are aware that I prefer not to workout; that word alone has always made me shudder. My friend found a magnet for me that explains it all: "Whenever I say the word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate." Of course I realize there is merit to exercise (hello, Hershey!) but I am so busy, and I can't find an activity that I enjoy, plus I've been lucky enough to stay reasonably healthy without it for decades. Okay, really I'm disgustingly lazy.

But recently something came over me. Maybe it was the whirlwind series of doctor appointments, trying to figure out the source of my increasing fatigue, wherein I had to repeatedly check the "Sedentary" box on health history forms. That is simply embarrassing. So I decided to join my man at the gym - this time not just so I could buy some cute new yoga clothes but also so I could get my heart pumping, while having 45 minutes of uninterrupted reading time and John Mayer playlist. Multiple win.

And strangely, I kind of like it. My man & I actually talk to and from the gym, and sometimes we compete for distance on the elliptical machine. I don't lift weights with him (how could I read like that?) and I cannot bring myself to coordinate visits with actual fitness classes, but I still think good things might be happening. At the very least, I occasionally break a bead of sweat trying to average 3 minute miles on the stationary bike (see photo!); it depends on how involving that night's chapter is, or if I get sucked into Facebooking instead of reading or riding.

Just don't say I'm exercising, please. You'll owe me some chocolate.

6/365 "beginnings"

What to do Friday?
Hey I know - the gym sounds fun!
Must have lost my mind.

2030

Forget 2012. I'm planning to live at least 20 more years because I have developed a list of goals I want to accomplish by then per Task #1 in my Christmas-new book This Year I Will... by M.J. Ryan. [My mom & dad bought me the book and I am not receiving any kind of compensation for talking it up; besides, I don't know yet if it's really going to help change my life. So any inspiration and/or dissatisfaction experienced is hereby considered incidental.]

Task #2 is to give a timeframe (1, 5, 10, 20 years) for each goal and Task #3 is to pick my top 4 one-year goals (noted by asterisk*).

1. Family trip to Europe (~5 years)
2. Family trip to Asia (~10 years)
3. Family trip to New York City (~1 year)
4. Yoga every morning (1 year)*
5. Breakfast every morning (1 year)*
6. Regularly bake gifts for friends (1 year)
7. Make delicious & nutritious meals most days (1 year)*
8. Remodel kitchen (5 years)
9. Party with Fountains of Wayne (sadly unrealistic)
10. Girlfriend trip to Europe (~10 years)
11. Read all the books in my house (possibly infinite)
12. Get hardside suitcase set (1 year)
13. Daily walks with husband (1 year)*
14. Maintain plants in beds & containers (1 year)

Task #4 is to list "things you may need to do that you don't want to" in order to make these goals happen. I like how M.J. thinks! This is exactly the kind of metacognition I need to do more of; be realistic about whatever I know will require me to do what I hate...

4. Get up early everyday; actually perform exercises
5. Get up early everyday; have food choices available; prep the night before
7. Find/organize recipes; take time to make menus; write specific grocery lists; plan meals according to family schedules
13. Make time in evenings; change clothes/shoes; go walking [aka exercise] despite weather

Now I'm supposed to choose one goal that I'm willing to do "hard things" for. Clearly #4 & #13 have the easiest "hard things," so I'm wondering if in the interest of not being a big baby I should automatically select them PLUS one of the goals with actual challenges? Hmm.

I think I will go with yoga & walking for now [meaning: when I am no longer on crutches] and see if I can add on decent meals once I've developed the good exercise, shhhhhh habits, hopefully happening within a couple of months.

Thank you for being my cybersupport. I will report back often to let you know how things are going; feel free to send me kind & gentle nastygrams if I don't.

for those about to walk (or run, or zumba)

I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises. -- Buzz Aldrin

I'm with Buzz, at least until my clothes stop fitting or my doctor says "Really, you should move something occasionally." But from the comfort of my La-Z-Ass recliner, I do admire those who get themselves into shape; I've even made some whispered remarks about maybe joining some of them this summer when my life miraculously transforms into a delight of Efficient Time Management.

Until then, join me in three cheers for these lovely, fit ladies:

Lisa at MamaMilton

Shana at So Not Zen

Miss Burrows at A.R. and Proud

And if you rock the exercise world as well, shout it out in comments. I salute you.

for this i move

I will be participating in a walk for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention on October 11. A student at my school has organized our team in honor of her friend who took his life last year. It will always be difficult to manage our thoughts & reactions to his decision but remembering his disarming smile and many gifts is simple, and doing whatever we can to prevent another loss to another family is the easiest thing.


I hope you can spare a moment to visit the AFSP site for more information and if you can spare a donation for our team, we Renegades - and future renegades - will be most grateful.


You know about my utter disdain repulsive reactions feelings toward exercise. But for kids, I will race the sun & wind.

dirty word

My friend & fellow teacher Monica brought this most perfect gift to me today. I immediately displayed it on my whiteboard, which I realize is a very bad example for my students, but so is the fact that I went to Amsterdam this summer and loved it (I have not, however, disclosed any of my activities, other than walking through the Red Light District). I think it's beneficial for teenagers to know the weaknesses & moral failings of grown-ups occasionally.

The sad fact is, though, turning 40 did somehow flip a fat switch in my body and now my formerly acceptable lifestyle of eating brie & bread with wine after 10 pm along with doing absolutely nothing remotely aerobic very little physical activity is quite unacceptable. So says any given pair of pants in my closet that now squeezes my thighs oh-so-gently, and my midriff which would like to give a shout-out regarding its fun new jiggliness.

Considering I refuse to change my nightly indulgences while watching The Sopranos (or new fave Mad Men), nor do I relish the idea of paying actual money to jump around & sweat in front of other people, possibly parents of students or the students themselves (I have an image to uphold - see above paragraphs), it looks like my only option is to lobby for a Wii Fit. I need something to hold me accountable (it charts stats; I also read somewhere that it will chastise me if I haven't worked out for awhile) that doesn't look or sound like a cheerleader (can I make my Wii instructor resemble Gael, I wonder?) and is available any damn time I feel the urge to exercise. Which will be shortly after I attempt to get dressed each morning.

I guess I'll start having chocolate for breakfast.

*magnet available at Retro Planet

who needs food with all this pretty architecture?

In the guise of Adventure Girl, I set out on my own in San Francisco last Sunday. Again, I did have a map, but [again] it did not actually reflect distance. For example, the areas identified in this map as Union Square/Chinatown/Nob Hill/North Beach don't SEEM to be, oh,

600 miles apart. They SEEM close, like just-around-the-corner neighborhoods. My calves, gluteus maximi, and laptop-toting shoulder beg to differ. (So you don't think I'm a complete moron, the map I used did have streets listed but still woefully lacked mileage info). The good news though - those Ed Hardy sneaks left not a single blister or bunion-burn.

My goals on this journey were to a) check out parts of SF that I hadn't seen before, b) get some exercise (HA!), and c) find a cute local diner/coffee shop/bakery/bistro/anything for lunch.

Here are the results; please enjoy, but also feel the burn a little, would ya?

Little did I know I should have taken the hot air balloon.

Buildings playing hide & seek at Union Square.

But wait! You should eat now, over there!

Pretty pretty Chanel boutique

Scary scary Ed Hardy boutique (but skulls can be fun!)

Another omen about flying instead of walking...

Entering Chinatown

Love the mix of old designs with tacky modern.

Off toward Nob Hill; not yet starving.

The noise from this Irish pub was impressive. At 11 a.m.

Mon dieu, I had no idea this would be my last chance at a sandwich before 3 p.m.

Perhaps another TURN BACK warning from the ghost of Dashiell Hammett?

I pray with the woman on the steps that we both find food soon.

Taking pictures of buildings distracts me from rising hunger.

I scale this hill on the power of one Mojo bar and a chai latte from two hours before.

Why am I the only one suffering a heart attack at this point?

I continued to walk and walk and walk in a fugue state. I kid you not, there were no fun little cafe-type stops along Washington OR Van Ness; maybe because it was Sunday or maybe they were invisible to my Muggle eye like Number 12 Grimmauld Place, but I could not find a single place to sit & eat that wasn't grimy and/or doubling as a gas station. Until...

How 1950s adorable will this be?!

Neverfuckingmind.

Going my way? NO.

In my calorie-deprived, exertion-induced stupor, I stopped at a terrace and looked up to realize the view. They have food at Alcatraz still?? But frick, I don't swim.

Unbelievably, I didn't feel like eating chocolate at that point. Clearly I was ill from the trek.


Yeah, yeah, love the bridge.


Bliss, at last.

All photos by me, the disgruntled tourist about the city, 2008

whose child is this?

My son competed in the district track meet this afternoon. If you've followed my stance on exercise at all, you understand what a strange choice of activity this seems for him. (My dear husband was a swim team demi-god and continues to go to the gym without coercion, but our son generally tends to take on my traits. Until today).

Here is how he looked:

A respectable 5'6 1/2" on the standing long jump

Running hurdles. Seriously, hurdles.

All out for the 100 meter dash

And still smiling.

This is me in track:

My favorite teacher, Miss Baker, was the coach and my friend Debbie begged me to join with her. I probably bitched every single day about the cold and the shorts and the running. Because I sure would now.

So glad the boy has got a few of his dad's genes going on.

on the ball

I have no idea what that cliche "On the ball" literally means (it sounds like a difficult maneuver, and faintly related to exercise; not sure I like that). But figuratively, I'm there. Allow me to outline my stellar day so far:

• Out of bed by 9:10 a.m.
• Load of clothes in the dryer
• Face washed and Mint Julep-masked [though it said 15 minutes and I've had it on for 84]
• Blogs read & commented on
• Dagoba Xocolatl chocolate bar for breakfast
• Blog business card created & ordered from VistaPrint

Notice no shower, laundry washed, or interaction with husband & children (in fact, two of them left the house and I'm not sure where the other is right now).

Listen, I'm walking in the Relay for Life this afternoon - that is physical activity, people. I have got to conserve energy early in order to manage that. I'm in training.

I see a nap, movie, and possibly cocktails in my future.

exhausting

I pride myself on being maniacally disturbingly admirably efficient. (Thanks, OCD!)

At school, I carefully plan copying & printing tasks and visits to other classrooms to maximize my time (and, of course, to avoid climbing two beastly flights of stairs more than once a day).

When running errands in the car, I work out routes so I can do everything in a loop, making as many right hand turns as possible. And though it was a Godsend to find drive-through anything when my kids were small and required multiple bucklings & unbucklings when getting in & out, now I try to limit idling situations.

Why? Mainly because I enjoy breathing.

A recent Ideal Bite tip reinforced what my non-sciencey brain thought was true (sometimes we English majors make up shit like this to seem smarter about something other than grammar or Faulkner) - idling cars emit loads of pollution and waste gas; I'm not cool with either of those things.

We've been having issues with our elementary school parking lot for years. Parents lining up along the curb to wait for their kids a) make it hard for wee ones to see actual moving cars in the parking lot and b) usually leave the motor running while they sit there. And I'm not quite clear on the b part because, what? You have to be ready for a quick getaway? Did your kid rob the place?

Despite my legendary aversion to exercise, I am perfectly willing to park my car and walk to the school for the kids because again, I enjoy breathing, and also? I actually like to see other parents and have a little conversation while we wait. And it's refreshing (literally) to know I'm not the only one who can take some time and give the environment a break.

actual exercise, day 1

Captain's Log, Stardate 091107: I awoke at 0600, brushed teeth, donned a sweater over my pajama uniform, and laced into highly ineffective non-athletic footwear. I then proceeded to consume one "Berries GoMega" Nourishing Food Bar to combat low blood sugar symptoms. The climate outside the mother ship was warm with no wind or precipitation present. I made my rendezvous with Jenhura midroad. As we walked continuously around the assemblage of housing units, we engaged in lively conversation, centering on highly confidential information of a parental nature. I recorded 5975 steps as of our end time at 0700. I then retreated to my home unit with a minor amount of perspiration due to the unseasonable warmth. My end status was surprisingly invigorated and alert. Unfortunately, tomorrow I must be at Planet School by 0800 to discuss attendance issues, thus necessitating an earlier preparation time. In addition, I have been requested by the Commander of Planet School to consider an advanced position requiring me to arrive by 0710 each day in order to interact with juveniles pursuing independent educational avenues. I must ponder this new direction in the coming days, after consultation with my second-in-command, Mister Stulu. In the meantime, I will be unable to meet with Jenhura for further exercise.

Captain Stephanie D. Spencer, recording
__________________________________________

I have no idea why the nerdification of this post; it crept up and possessed me. I blame Suz and her recent acquisition of a hammered copper Enterprise. I mocked it, but clearly am subconsciously jealous. Carry on.

attempt at exercise, day 1

My best friend & neighbor Jen announced that she will be walking in the mornings, 6:15 - 7:15, if I would like to join her. "Like" is a funny word. We tried this exercise thing last year, leaving the house just before 6am to trek around our block for an hour. It worked pretty well since I would check the substitute system for jobs the night before and be able to spare the time. It worked pretty well, that is, until we remembered we live in the Pacific Northwest. We are fooled into believing the climate is better than it really is; days upon days of sun and goodness and light at the end of August/beginning of September. But no. It's an illusion.

The rain doesn't bother me so much because I grew up on an island in the Puget Sound. Rain, bah, whatever. But wind I don't love so much, especially when it blows the rain into my face. That's just Nature's way of saying (shrieking), "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING, WANDERING AROUND IN THIS DARK STORMY WEATHER? YOUR TAXES ARE PAYING FOR A PERFECTLY LOVELY, WARM, ECO-FRIENDLY COMMUNITY CENTER FIVE MINUTES AWAY!" She's wordy, Nature. Long-winded you might even say (groan). So we abandoned the walking in the early morning plan just after school started last year.

Well here we are again, being duped by these late summer days. And now that I have a job that doesn't need me until 9am, it makes sense to fit exercise into the morning. My heart (and thighs) is only going to take so many chocolate covered, icing filled Krispy Kremes without some sort of healthy counteraction. After a fitful sleep during which I stressed about the fact that I gave away my athletic walking shoes and all of my sweats, I slogged out of bed just before 6:00 to brush teeth and put a sweater over my pajamas. I chose the Keds over Converse for no good reason other than they're easier to put on in pre-dawn consciousness. When I stepped outside, it was 6:17 and I figured my friend, determined as she is, had already set off so I started walking the opposite way (we live on a loop). That way we'd run into each other instead of creating a race of sorts - my early morning brilliance was stunning. But halfway around, I didn't yet see her. So I went home. That's how committed I am to this exercise thing, people.

Looking forward to Day 2.