Tuesday, August 19, 2008

welcome to bad mom international

Reflections from a weary traveler (methinks my imagination was bigger than my stamina...)

If I ran an airport:

  • People wishing to work security must be able to answer the following question without grimacing: Who is your favorite superhero? AND they must be able to produce a genuine smile for five consecutive minutes.
  • I would have a gigantic two-sided clock hanging right in the middle of each terminal. And throughout the airport, I would post clocks displaying the time around the world. There would be a fun object on every second hand – something that represents the place, like a Statue of Liberty for NYC time or Big Ben for London; Jerry Lewis for France.
  • I would play relaxing music on the loudspeakers until there was need for an announcement; all announcements would be made by Antonio Banderas or James McAvoy. With video accompaniment on giant ceiling-mounted screens.
  • I would provide water fountains every 30 yards, with big sinks so people could fill their water bottles. People without their own water bottles could purchase one from a machine next to the fountains and the money would be donated to homeless programs.
  • For every high-end expensive store I allow to rent space, I would invite two small local artists or booksellers or bakers to set up shop.
  • Restaurants would pay lower rent if they give leftover/extra food to shelters each day.
  • I would have recycling bins everywhere and give rent discounts to vendors who use eco-friendly supplies or limit their packaging.
  • I would have a display of flyers (recycled paper!) detailing current & upcoming events in the area so people arriving could enjoy some local culture along with the popular tourist attractions. I would have a directory posted featuring smaller restaurants, art galleries, bookstores, and other interesting off-the-beaten-path venues for people to patronize; I would also list such necessities as Laundromats, grocery & convenience stores, antique & thrift stores (for unique souvenirs). These businesses would be encouraged to leave their cards for travelers to take.
  • I would have a staff of smartly dressed individuals continually wiping seats & sweeping & checking bathrooms & smiling pleasantly at travelers. They would be smiling pleasantly because I would pay them a living wage with benefits and give them a free flight each year as long as no one complains about them. (Though I would certainly take into consideration the nature & validity of any complaints received; some people like to bitch about everything in order to make their lives complete. Not that I've ever run into anyone like that...).
  • I would require all workers to know key phrases (“Hello,” “Welcome,” “How can I help?,” “Thank you,” “Would you like a cocktail?”) in numerous foreign languages, and they must be able to adroitly direct travelers to important places within the airport (bathrooms, restaurants, gates, bars).
  • Airlines would be mandated to give chocolate bars (or bags of chips for the crazy people in the world who actually do not like chocolate [hi, Jen, miss you!]) to all passengers of flights delayed more than half an hour. They would have to give drink vouchers when flights are delayed past an hour.
  • Artwork & poetry created by local teens would be on display throughout.
  • In-chair neck or arm massages would be offered to those who inquire politely and make a donation to a charity of their choice.

And the world would be a happier place.

17 comments:

phd in yogurtry said...

I'd go out of my way to fly to your airport! Great list! May I add another? Pillows and yoga mats at the gates. Do something healthy while waiting for connecting flight (especially when said flight is delayed! argh!)

your weary co-traveler said...

Are you some sort of commie-pinko-bastard? Trying to make the world a nicer place, BAH!

-Stu

Mrs. G. said...

I might fly again with your airport design. Can you get to work on the planes now-figure a way to keep them on the ground?

I caught up on your trip last night-wow, wow, wow.

LarryG said...

sounds like you have put in a job ap to me...
I hope it works out.
for everyone's sake!

Lisa Milton said...

It took us a mere 21 hours to get home from Bermuda...

Heh.

I'm pretty sure your new regulations would have done my soul well.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like an amazing trip! We miss you crazy kids. Life has no meaning without you around!

We will be gone on vacation Aug 21, 22, 23, 24. Will be gone again Aug 28, 29, 30, 31. We will be glad to be the bored neighbors and watch your slide show any day but those!

Love,
BFF Jen :)

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Chocolate bars for all!

And the world would be a better place. You know it.

apathy lounge said...

You should be more than the boss of the airport. You should be President.

Mel, A Dramatic Mommy said...

I will happily book all my travel needs through BMI. Can I request Family Lavatories with both potty and urinal so I don't have to remind my son not to let his p**is touch the rim?

dkuroiwa said...

Just make sure that your airport is located in a place where flights from japan can get there easily....so...go...get to it!! I'm already ready for the chocolate!!!

Moxy Jane said...

I love these ideas!!

And there would be private nursing rooms, or family waiting rooms with books and toys and large windows, but enclosed, so that the parent(s) could close their eyes for just a minute without the fear that their child would dash off for a ride on/under a golf cart or a moving sidewalk. And these rooms would be clean and sanitary because of your amazingly happy and efficient staff.

BMI, the only way to fly.

Denise said...

Please come to the Dallas Ft. Worth International Airport and start your gig. Chop Chop!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

To whom should we be forwarding this petition? I've signed.

Danielle said...

You got my vote. I am always plagued with horrible airport issues, but it seems to only happen when I travel with my kids. Every other time it's smooth sailing...murphy's law I guess.

angel said...

lol...
you have clearly been through some stuff and given this a lot of thought!

holly said...

okay that's it, i'm writing you into my presidential ballot.

katydidnot said...

and i would move into the airport. and live there. forever.

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