Monday, August 17, 2009

dodging bullets

Here is what happens when I am emotionally distressed - I can't write very well. The ideas that seem hilarious and/or relevant in my head evaporate into puddles of stupid when I write them down. And when I try to be thoughtful & real it sounds all heavy and Oxygen-channelish, unbearably wrong.

So I'll just be conversational stream-of-consciousness right now in order to get this stuff out before it infects me further and ruins my f*cking birthday. A friend of mine (and I'm unfortunately using the term 'friend' loosely at this point) has moved out of his home, leaving my other verygood friend (term used strongly) and her children reeling. He (loose friend) claims all kinds of sad things that sound ridiculous to me but I am trying to give him the benefit of the extremely doubtful doubt and breathe deeply & be supportive of his wife/my verygood friend while he "works things out" by living an hour away, half-heartedly attending counseling, and alienating everyone who cares about him. Opinionated, me? My friend (the verygood one) has called me fierce; I like that.

The suddenness of this development (though Loose Friend says it should have been obvious for years) has caused me to scrutinize my own relationship. Because, frankly, I had put my man and VeryGood Friend's husband at the same level of fun-loving & committed before last week. In the past half-dozen years, nearly every social good time involved these friends; I believed all of us to be enjoying each other's company. Stu has gamely been enduring my sideways glances, long reminiscing observations, pensive silences, my cryptic leading questions ("Sooo, are you unhappy with our life??").

I don't know what else to say, and I have no idea what to do - other than just live and keep being honest, open, and supportive. I had no idea that was a novel idea to some people.


stickin' around said...

Fierce you are. And you and I are good to go.

I pray he will be back too.


PS: I could use a back rub ;)

katydidnot said...

you are fierce. your man? is equally fierce. i think it's cool that he stands up under your sideway glances and gets you and probably? loves you all the more for it. means you don't take it for granted. i also think it's cool that you give voice to your sideways glances. i hope that i can be as honest and loving as you are. i'm sorry for your friends and hope and pray that they find peace.

i have a really hard verification word. struinge. i think.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Did Stu see it coming? When this happened in our lives my husband had an example from the second month we knew the couple that made him feel this man was capable of something like this. It never registered with me.

I am so sorry for your friend--and for you. Having a front row seat to something like this does make you question things.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

It's really hard to watch this happen with friends and not question. You and Stu? Are solid. And will stay that way because you tend to each other. It shows.

Also? I like what Kate said. She is wise (and fierce, too).

lisahgolden said...

Yowza. That's very hard stuff. I'm reading Isabel Gillie's Happens Every Day right now and it deals with the break up of what was assumed to be a very strong marriage.

Take what your friend said to heart - she said herself that had you a tip off, you could have known that trouble was brewing. If you don't see anything to make you REALLY wonder at home, then I'd say things are pretty safe there. And Stu is right here with reassurances so please don't discount that.

Ami said...

It's amazing how much the breakup of friends wrenches you, isn't it?

Being there for your friend, being the fierce one, will help her.

I'm sorry.

Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

I'm right there with you, creeped out and feeling duped.

I never would have anticipated feeling this sad and angry. It's secrecy that is chewing me up; that and the grief in his wake.

We will all come through, and you are going to have a delightful birthday even if I have to put on my fierce face. :)

brandy101 said...

why couldn't this guy run out and buy some sportscar he cannot afford for his mid-life crisis?

See - that is your advantage- Stu already HAS a sportscar - (possible) crisis averted!

Alison said...

Fierce loyalty is good in a friend. I hope and pray he will come to his senses.

Shana said...

I am very sorry that your BFF is going thru this, but she strikes me as one tough broad, in the classical sense of tough broads who always triumph in the end.

We found out a friend was cheating on his wife. A good friend. A good couple friendship. It left me reeling. I wrote off part of it as my own egocentricity (look what this is doing to ME, even though I was a once removed bystander from the whole thing.)

My point is, I feel you. Hang in there. You and BFF.

Jen on the Edge said...

Whenever I hear about someone I know getting a divorced, it always leaves me reeling, even if I had long since realized that the couple was in trouble. I spend days feeling shaky and off and looking at my own husband carefully. I think it's human nature to reevaluate one's own life when presented with a major emotional disaster.

JCK said...

Fierce is good. I am so sorry about your friends. I know several couples who have fallen apart recently. A future blog post. It is painful. Especially with close friends, when it wasn't obvious to you. It sounds like it wasn't obvious to anyone!

Jenn @ youknow... that blog? said...

Oh man. You know what? If he's that wishy washy, better she cut him loose and move on with her life. If he were to come back again she'll always be wondering if he's going to drop backbone and take off again.

Fierce is good. I am fierce about the people I love too. Some say I am fierce WITH my loved ones too. I keep explaining it away as "I'm Irish". Seems to cover a myriad of personality traits!

So... happy birthday!!! Hope it ended better than it started out?

I know what you need (psst, it's Wednesday!)! Although it is an unfortunate subject this week, in regards to your post. I'll understand if you can't bring yourself to participate this time!

Big hugs to you and your friend. She'll get through this and be stronger for it, with you at her side.

No Longer 25 said...

Happy belated birthday, hope you managed to get in a bit of a celebration mood and have a wee treat or two!

It's difficult when this happens and you are forced to take sides. It's easy to be complacent and then when something like this happens you re-evaluate your own relationship of course, but it doesn't mean you are the same as them, everyone has a different situation.

Your friend is lucky to have a friend like you to help her through it, whatever happens.

PS Fierce is a great thing to be, you've got to have passion for the things you care about.

Fantastic Forrest said...

Deep breaths, fierce friend. I'm choosing to play the "it could be worse" game. One of those children or your verygood friend could have become seriously ill or injured. While right now, everyone is feeling heartsick, it's not the same level of despair as a fatal accident or disease.

I'm not belittling what you feel - I share your sadness very much and care about that friend too - but I am trying to gain some perspective.

Go give Stu a back rub. He deserves it. :) XOXO

Gretchen said...

I think (and this is just my opinion) that the marriage/separation/divorce question has less to do with how much a person loves another person, and more to do with the person's definition of commitment. I think if a person goes into the whole institution unsure of whether they'll stay or not, then it's unlikely that they will stick it out. I always wonder what people think the vow means when they repat, "Through good times AND BAD, through better or WORSE."

I know what you're feeling though... I'm sure your friend's mate reassured her about his love for her, until he left, right? But I think what you and Stu have is different. Special. And, really (and I mean this in the nicest way) transparent. It's obvious how he feels about you.

And for what it's worth, How could he not? YOU'RE FREAKIN' FABULOUS!!!


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