Friday, August 13, 2010

fallout

While I've never exactly entertained the idea of divorce as a reality in my world, I have of course given it a passing thought - usually along the lines of what I would and would not do should I or a friend have to deal with it. For example, I like to think I could be Jennifer Aniston reasonable & classy and not Anne Heche batshit crazy. It seems to me that because I once obviously loved this man I married, I could find it relatively easy ['relatively' meaning compared to choosing which child to save from Nazis] to be at least cordial to him. I even thought, during my fleeting very-special-Lifetime-production moments of 'what if,' maybe we could just be friends (who once upon a time happened to create children together via very naughty sex).

Now that I have had to live through the nightmare of my best friend's divorce, my beliefs are shifting. In the beginning, when we thought her now-ex was not completely insane, we tried hearing both sides; I employed my Teacher Attitude, the one where I listen intently, nod, and attempt a nonjudgmental face while someone weaves a story smelling strongly of bullshit explains a situation. But the bullshit was overwhelming and while I believe myself to be relatively tactful ['relatively' meaning I probably won't throw bricks through windows], I cannot abide nonsense. And in the past twelve months, the nonsense has grown to epic proportions. This is where it has dawned on me that I would probably be more in line with the embittered, vindictive, nearly hysterical women. I frequently want to scream, hurl objects, even set stuff on fire because of my friend's ex's behavior. Stu shudders to think what I might do if ever, God in all His glory forbid, he were to divorce me.

But the catch is if I draw attention to the ex's stupidity flawed actions - even in a tactful way - the man punishes my best friend through various unpleasant interactions (mostly yelling or making her life miserable by whimsical change of schedule, sometimes throwing or slamming things,). On the one hand, it is exciting that he feels so threatened by me that he won't approach me or even send an e-mail with his complaints (this love of instilling fear in people must be the Leo part of my birthdate). But certainly in the end, I do not want my friend to suffer and so I bite my tongue and try not rolling my eyes or flipping him off whenever I see him. I do, however, have dreams wherein I pummel him mercilessly.

Besides having lost what I thought was a good friend, there are other issues with this guy turning into a jackass. Things we did together as a group and things we mutually enjoyed are now tainted. I don't want to listen to Billy Joel anymore because Jackass often sang his songs (luckily my will is strong for sticking with John Mayer since I actually went to his concert with my best friend & Jackass). When my kids ask about going back to Lincoln City, I think of Jackass and his relentless badgering of my best friend there last summer, before he moved out of their house. I won't even look in the direction of a particular couple of restaurants in our town because we went to them (and seemingly had fun) with Jackass once upon a time.

Tonight I am hosting a Divorce Debauchery Party for my best friend. We're getting massages, meeting friends for Happy Hour dinner, having a For Your Pleasure party in our hotel room, going to a drag show. All good, relatively clean ['relatively' meaning I will carry hand sanitizer in my purse next to the roll of singles] fun in the name of A New Life. Without jackasses. Or, for what it's worth, Billy Joel.

17 comments:

scargosun said...

We threw a re-Bachelorette party for a friend who got divorced. Best thing she could have ever done. It does suck that none of us can say, "Dude, we always thought he was a tool." becuase that would hurt her and only make us feel good. I have scars on my tongue I tell you.

Janet said...

What scargosun said resonates with me...god, the scars.

Stu said...

I tried to be supportive of him in the beginning, but when he started dating the woman who once lived with them, I lost all respect for him as a man. In the end, he left his wife for someone she welcomed into their home.

I hate loosing a once great friend, but the BS is too thick. His explanations are a running joke to those who know the situation.

Have fun tonight and remember; the strippers like paper money, the quarters don't stay in the banana hammocks :)

I also want a picture of The Girls.

Love ya,

-Stu

Anonymous said...

The scars on the tongue- that's for sure...the other thing is..the kids- they have to walk through both relationships for the rest of their lives.

Take her out, have a great time and let his name NEVER be even thought of.
klcrab

Fantastic Forrest said...

As Karnak the Magnificent used to say "May the fleas of ten thousand camels infest his armpits." Or, better, may the crabs of ten thousand hookers infest his groinal area. And that of his ungrateful paramour.

Now, bring on the debauchery! I am glad you will have hand sanitizer, because I don't want any of us catching anything.

PS Surely there must be some Billy Joel songs that are untainted. Don't let Jackass spoil them for you.

Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

I'm with Forrest because Billy Joel still makes me think of singing with my favorite college girlfriends, lighter times.

I refuse to let someone with such very flawed judgment ruin my fun.

Now, on to the debauchery. Woot.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

I'm sending happy juju to you and your friend tonight.

Also, I think Stu won't mind if the heads are cut off of the pictures he wants.

And, finally, I wholeheartedly agree with Fantastic Forrest, take Billy Joel back. Don't let the asshat have him.

ILY. AAL.

Kay said...

haha... I guess it all depends on who you are divorcing (my thoughts are you wouldn't be a good one to divorce- strictly based off of this rant)...

Coming from divorced parents, it has taken my father 28 years before he would civally set foot into the same room with my mother; however, my mother re-married to a man where they all get together with his ex for, well, everything! Even just the 4 of them, camping, hunting, I even did a trip to Ireland with my mother, step sister and her mom!!! All the best of friends!

Who woulda thought?

But, in the end, what better excuse for a girls night out!!?

Have FUN!!! :)

oh, and P.S. my oldest sister refuses to get divorced EVER, NO MATTER WHAT because she refuses to have (D) next to her death certificate/family album -- "D" as in Divorced... Mom's big on family heritage.

P.P.S. I refuse to get married, simply because I don't want to get divorced.

haha... whatever works! you won't have a problem, I am sure ;) To each their own.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Not being an accomplished tongue-biter, I sympathize with you.

I hope the party accomplishes everything it is supposed to!

Jen on the Edge said...

I don't know how I would be able to bite my tongue, so I'm proud of you for actually doing so.

Have fun tonight!!! What a great way to celebrate.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

First of all, I don't ever want to need you for this type of thing, but it's good to know that if I ever SHOULD need you, you'd do a kick-ass job.

Secondly, your friend is blessed to have you.

Thirdly, I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AWESOME TIME. I wish I were up there to tag along!

katydidnot said...

Do you think it's too late for me to host my own divorce party? It's been a while, but still...I have an asshat and I'd like to celebrate my disconnection from him. You lost Billy Joel. I lost the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.

Jenn @ Youknow...that Blog? said...

Must be a Jen(n) thing not to be able to bite your tongue - I know I can't most of the time. And I have a really good reason to want to host a party just like this for a friend of mine. She's an asshat to stay with him, but stay she does. Don't even get me started.

Steph - don't let that tool rob you of Billy Joel! Both you and Billy deserve better than that. If you let it happen, he wins!

Your friend is super lucky to have someone in her corner like you. She's going to be A-OK. *hugs* to you both.

Shana said...

I am sorry to have missed the debauchery in the name of my preteen angst ridden *family vacation*. Your bff is such a beautiful woman inside and out and I have no doubt her post asshole life will be all kinds of grand.

yogurt said...

I do believe we do not truly know a person until we divorce him. That's when we see the true grit. Very sorry your friend is going through this, but with a party like the one you gave, I might give divorce a little more consideration than usual.

dkuroiwa said...

I love that you and the rest of the girls did this. Friends are what help a girl through....and i think that you all succeeded with flying colors!!
I'm going to join that "ooh, i probably should have bit my tongue" group....sometimes I just forget that i need to do that!!
But...I'm also one to be the last to forgive any of the assholes my friends have divorced....you hurt my friends, honey, it takes YEARS to get even close to my good graces. i'm just saying.

JCK said...

You are a wonderful and amazing friend.

Hope the party was fun,and that you also had a great Birthday!

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