Friday, January 12, 2007

it's an illuuuusion

Step right up, ladies & gentlemen, and witness the transformation of Bad Mom into Brilliant Mom, Patient Mom, Harpy Mom, and Blissfully Thankful Mom! You won't believe your eyes! You will be stunned! You might decide to call CPS...

Here is an abbreviated transcript of yesterday's adventures with The Amazing Mason:

Boy: I think I'd like to put on a magic show today. Yeah, that will be cool. I'll charge, oh, 25 cents.

Bad Mom: You do that.

Boy brings down bin of magic supplies and begins making a sign.

Bad Mom: Where are you going to have this show?

Boy: On our porch.

Bad Mom: How will you make sure everyone pays? Because people will be able to watch from the sidewalk and not bring a quarter. I'm just thinking...

Boy, with aggravated look at Bad Mom, because he likes money: What do you mean?

Bad/Brilliant Mom: What if you call it a free show and set out your can for donations? People will definitely come if it's free, then they'll like it and want to give you a little something.

Boy, beaming at Brilliant Mom: Yeah, okay! I'll write "We accept tips" under FREE.

Brilliant Mom mistakenly, fatally, gets smug. Watch closely! The following statement will turn her into Patient Mom for 90 minutes: It might be a good idea to practice some of your tricks before you invite people to a show.

Boy, innocently: Sure, okay.

At this point of the late morning, many many many neighborhood children are playing merrily out in the snow. After an hour of perfecting his routine, Boy hefts magic supplies, donation (tip) can, and sign out to the porch. Looking hopefully left, then right, then left again. The street is deserted; maybe an owl hoots, a coyote howls. Patient Mom hears the rocket engage in the Boy's brain.

Boy: Who is going to watch my show?? (Engine 1 ignited)

Patient Mom: I'm not sure.

Boy: Well, what am I supposed to do now??
(Engine 2 firing)

Patient Mom: I don't know. What are some things you could try?

(Houston, we have lift off)

Patient Mom, walking back to house: Let's think of some things you could try.
(Tens of thousands of dollars in postsecondary education at work here, folks)

Boy, in a maniacal fugue state: I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO DO! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! WHAT CAN I DO???

Witness now, ladies & gentlemen, in the blink of an eye, the switch from Patient Mom to Harpy Mom!

Harpy Mom, in steadily rising shriek:
Listen, all morning I have been patient with your negative attitude! It's a snow day, for crying out loud, you have ALL DAY to do WHATEVER YOU WANT! You wanted to do something fun, I am willing to help, but it is not my job to solve your problems! And I am done listening to you bitch (yes, she did...) about everything that's wrong with your day when IT SHOULD BE A FUN DAY! So go somewhere and think of some ideas for how to solve this problem! But don't be in here grouching and pouting, because I am MAKING MUFFINS!

Boy, looking alternately distressed and angry as he stomps to his room: Okaaay.

And there was much sobbing and wailing and gnashing of teeth for a half hour, then Boy returned to have lunch and listen to Harry Potter being read by the recently restored Bad Mom before this:

I think I'll go knock on people's doors and ask them to come watch my magic show.


Blissfully Thankful Mom: Okay.

Boy: Will you come with me?

BTM: Okay.

Medication, anyone?